Birthday Gift

On my birthday, I received the greatest gift anyone could ask for... the gift of life.

IKAW AT AKO

Found this song that I just had to share because it is such a sweet song and I just think that it's perfect for any couple going through tough times. Going through this TTC journey, this song reminds me that I always have my dear husband with me no matter what. Whatever happens, it will always be him and me (I?).

Ikaw at Ako

Johnoy Danao

Ikaw at ako pinagtagpo

Nag-usap ang ating puso

Nagkasundong magsama habang-buhay

Nagsumpaan sa Maykapal

Walang iwanan tag-init o tag-ulan

Haharapin bawat unos na magdaan

Sana'y di magmaliw ang pagtingin

Kay daling sabihin kay hirap gawin

Sa mundong walang katiyakan

Sabay nating gawing kahapon ang bukas

Ikaw at ako pinag-isa

Tayong dalawa may kanya-kanya

Sa isa't-isa, tayo ay sumasandal

Bawat hangad kayang abutin

Sa pangamba'y di paaalipin

Basta't ikaw, ako, tayo magkapakailanman

Kung minsan ay di ko nababanggit

Pag-ibig ko'y hindi masukat ng anumang lambing

At kung magkamalu akong ika'y saktan

Puso mo ba'y handang magpatawad

Di ko alam ang gagawin kung mawala ka

Buhay ko'y may kahulugan tuwing ako'y iyong hagkan

Umabot man sa'ting huling hantungan

Kapit-puso kitang hahayaan, ngayon at kailanman, ikaw at ako

Cycle 1: BFN

AF arrived early last night, CD 30. "New cycle new hope", that's what they say in the TTC world. It's true. As long as I get AF, there is still a big chance. However, we can't continue with work-ups since we can't afford it. We just tried for one cycle to estimate the costs if we are to do it on a regular basis until we get BFP.

But this doesn't mean that we're suspending our "operation: baby"

We're simply stopping medications and monitoring. I'll just stick with my metformin for now and DH and I will try to do it the natural way... but this time, we gained a bit of knowledge on how my cycle works.

DH will also have an SA hopefully over the weekend so we can eliminate him (as one of the causes) once and for all and focus everything on me.

Hope is never lost.
Our Angel will arrive... in His time.

Blonde Girl Pregnancy Test - Funny Ad

to test or not to test

Today, I am 12 DPO. I can do HPT over the weekend but I am so scared. During the last couple of years, I would say that I became addicted to HPTs. I would buy a kit a day after my missed period even without knowing anything about cycles, ovulation, lutheal phase, etc. etc. After each test comes disappointment. I get myself excited and would wake up early in the morning just to pee on the stick. 3 minutes later, excitement would turn into a huge disappointment. If someone would chart my emotions, they would think that they are looking at a rollercoaster drawing.

Over the past two weeks, I was really anxious... excited as well. Now that I'm nearing the end, I suddenly felt scared. Would this be another disappointment or would this be the moment that I have been longing for?

I've read somewhere before that buying an HPT kit is like buying a lotto card. Shooting for pregnancy is just like hoping to win the lotto jackpot... for a TTC couple, that is.

To test or not to test, that is the question. I could just go on with my daily routine as if nothing happened and wait if AF would come or not... I do have a history of not getting AF for a month. But it is as if I can act normal just like that. Can someone just wake me up when I'm finally pregnant???

I Will Be Better

I've recently started following a couple of TTC blogs, one of them is called Infertility Philippines and I just had to repost one of her recent "re-posts" because it somehow sums up what (I think) every TTC woman is feeling.


I WILL BE BETTER

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

the anxiety begins

Yesterday, CD 18, I went back to my OB and TVU showed that the dominant follicle last week was able to rupture and release the egg. She prescribed me with Duphaston to act as "pampakapit" if pregnant. If not, I'll have my period. So now the waiting begins.

I need to take my mind off this matter for a while or else I might go crazy thinking about this 24/7. I'm just not that patient a person.

Now that work-up is officially done for the 1st cycle, let me summarize all expenses. More or less, this will be the same amount that any other TTC couple should set aside if they want a work-up.

Clomid (x10) = 1200
Dexamethasone (x15) = 45
Pregnyl = 1000
Ovulation Kit (x2) = 600
1st consultation (tvu+ovulation kit) = 700
2nd consultation (tvu+ovulation kit) = 700
3rd consulation (tvu) = 800
Duphaston (x30) = 1600
----------------------------------------------
TOTAL = Php 6645.00 for Cycle 1

Cycle 1 update

On day 12, I went back to my OB for follicle monitoring. There were 3 candidates at that time measuring between 1.2 - 1.8 cm. We also used an ovulation predictor kit which showed a very faint positive (for ovulation) line. I was advised to BD on the morning of day 14 and return to her noon of the same day.

Day 14 showed one dominant follicle measuring around 2.2 cm. I was given a pregnyl shot which will rupture this follicle and produce the egg. Again, we were asked to BD on the morning of day 15 and return to her that same noon.

We're really crossing our fingers for this one. OB is positive that it wouldn't be hard to solve my problem since the cause of my infertility is quite obvious (high insulin level) unlike those which do not show any signs at all. She increased my metformin intake from 3x/day to 4x/day. Losing weight is not a bad idea as well.

Currently, I am visualizing the process of ovulation happening inside my body. Watch this to learn more:

When Does it Get Annoying

I know most people mean well and I'm sure a lot of family and friends are excited to see DH & I finally receive our little bundle of joy... but sometimes it can really get, ok let's not say annoying, but it can get awkward and uncomfortable for me. If we finally DO get pregnant, don't they think that they will know? If they are curious why, after more than 2 years of marriage, we still don't have a child... doesn't it cross their minds that it's either by choice OR there must be something wrong?! Either way, both are very awkward topics to talk about so why ask right?

I must admit, there are times when I really just want to talk with someone about this journey (aside from the husband)... but not with everyone. Only those who are really close to me or those dealing with the same situation.

Anyway, I found this article from parents.com about this exact same sentiment. Would just like to share with fellow TTC couples out there.

Cycle 1

After a couple of months, I went back to the doctor. I arrived around 5pm at the Medical City and I knew I was really really late. True enough when I got to my doctor's clinic, she and her staff are already outside closing up. Fortunately, when my doctor saw me, she decided to go back inside and just give me a prescription. We were not able to do a TVU so she just asked when AF arrived and prescribed me with Clomid + dexamethasone. She also told me to continue with my metformin.

Clomid: Day 4 - 8 (2x/night)
Dexamethasone: Day 4 - 15 (1x/night)
Metformin: 1x/morning + 2x/night

I found out that taking dexamethasone with clomid is not a very popular practice, at least for the girls at the GT Forum. Good thing that when I googled it I found results:

Dexamethasone has been given to PCOS patients and ovulation has been noted via androgen suppression. However, this is not regularly done as steroids have undesireable side-effects.
This combination is not routinely used for the aforementioned reasons, but may help PCOS patients ovulate with Clomid with possible consequences
http://www.fertilityties.com/post/show/how-effective-is-dexamethasone-with-clomid


Hopefully this combination would prove to be effective for me. I'm scheduled to see my OB on Day 12 and I'm crossing all my fingers on this one. =)

The Dry Spell

I woke up this morning and just felt like I'm about to have a major sore throat only to realize that it wasn't sore throat, I'm just having a dry spell in my throat.

I remembered that this is one of the side effects of Metformin. I'm on my 10th day of taking Met and just on the 3rd day of taking it twice daily. By Monday, I need to increase my intake by 1. So far, no nausea YET, hopefully there won't be. I'm gonna see if I-max is the Met for me.

Launching of Oplan: Baby

Several months have passed now. Since July last year, I have not come to my OB for a check-up. A lot of things have happened.... still, no baby. I thought that my husband and I could work on it on our own.

Diane + Met (a repost)

(repost from previous blog)

A couple of visits to my OB after the operation, I was prescribed with Diane 35. Some use this as an oral contraceptive and some for their acne problems.

DIANE-35 ED is used for the treatment of androgen-dependent diseases in women, such as acne (where oral antibiotics or local treatment alone has not been successful), androgenic alopecia and mild forms of hirsutism. It is especially useful for pronounced forms of acne and those accompanied by seborrhea or by inflammation or formation of nodes (acne papulopustulosa, acne nodulocystica).

DIANE-35 ED is also used for oral contraception in women requiring treatment for these androgenic conditions; it is not recommended just for contraception. DIANE-35 ED is also indicated for the treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome.

Diagnosis: PCOS (repost)

a repost from a previous blog

So I went to see my doctor for the second time since the operation and she immediately reported to me the results of my blood tests. Guess what... no diabetes, but, it showed a high level of insulin, one sure sign of a Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. Dr. Sua-Lao said that this is better. She even said that she's glad when they find that the insulin level is high because at least, they know immediately how to treat this instead of blood tests showing normal results. Then, they would have to probe further to distinguish what the problem is.
According to Wiki:

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) is one of the most common female endocrine disorders affecting approximately 5%-10% of women of reproductive age (12–45 years old) and is thought to be one of the leading causes of female infertility.

Laparoscopy Oopherectomy (repost)

a repost from a previous blog

A year into our marriage... I thought, maybe we can start getting pregnant. It never entered my mind that there would be a problem. Ever since I got my period in 5th grade, I've been having it "regularly irregular". When we couldn't conceive, I thought of mentioning to my OB that I never had regular periods. At that time, I have been missing my period for 3 months. She advised me to undergo a trans-vaginal ultrasound (TVU).

That first ultrasound in December 2009 showed a mass of about 5cms in my right ovary. My OB told me that I had 2 options; one is to have it surgically removed and the other one is to get an injection that would suppress my menstruation for 6 months, hoping that the cyst will become smaller within those months.