I Will Be Better

I've recently started following a couple of TTC blogs, one of them is called Infertility Philippines and I just had to repost one of her recent "re-posts" because it somehow sums up what (I think) every TTC woman is feeling.


I WILL BE BETTER

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Author Unknown

the anxiety begins

Yesterday, CD 18, I went back to my OB and TVU showed that the dominant follicle last week was able to rupture and release the egg. She prescribed me with Duphaston to act as "pampakapit" if pregnant. If not, I'll have my period. So now the waiting begins.

I need to take my mind off this matter for a while or else I might go crazy thinking about this 24/7. I'm just not that patient a person.

Now that work-up is officially done for the 1st cycle, let me summarize all expenses. More or less, this will be the same amount that any other TTC couple should set aside if they want a work-up.

Clomid (x10) = 1200
Dexamethasone (x15) = 45
Pregnyl = 1000
Ovulation Kit (x2) = 600
1st consultation (tvu+ovulation kit) = 700
2nd consultation (tvu+ovulation kit) = 700
3rd consulation (tvu) = 800
Duphaston (x30) = 1600
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TOTAL = Php 6645.00 for Cycle 1

Cycle 1 update

On day 12, I went back to my OB for follicle monitoring. There were 3 candidates at that time measuring between 1.2 - 1.8 cm. We also used an ovulation predictor kit which showed a very faint positive (for ovulation) line. I was advised to BD on the morning of day 14 and return to her noon of the same day.

Day 14 showed one dominant follicle measuring around 2.2 cm. I was given a pregnyl shot which will rupture this follicle and produce the egg. Again, we were asked to BD on the morning of day 15 and return to her that same noon.

We're really crossing our fingers for this one. OB is positive that it wouldn't be hard to solve my problem since the cause of my infertility is quite obvious (high insulin level) unlike those which do not show any signs at all. She increased my metformin intake from 3x/day to 4x/day. Losing weight is not a bad idea as well.

Currently, I am visualizing the process of ovulation happening inside my body. Watch this to learn more:

When Does it Get Annoying

I know most people mean well and I'm sure a lot of family and friends are excited to see DH & I finally receive our little bundle of joy... but sometimes it can really get, ok let's not say annoying, but it can get awkward and uncomfortable for me. If we finally DO get pregnant, don't they think that they will know? If they are curious why, after more than 2 years of marriage, we still don't have a child... doesn't it cross their minds that it's either by choice OR there must be something wrong?! Either way, both are very awkward topics to talk about so why ask right?

I must admit, there are times when I really just want to talk with someone about this journey (aside from the husband)... but not with everyone. Only those who are really close to me or those dealing with the same situation.

Anyway, I found this article from parents.com about this exact same sentiment. Would just like to share with fellow TTC couples out there.

Cycle 1

After a couple of months, I went back to the doctor. I arrived around 5pm at the Medical City and I knew I was really really late. True enough when I got to my doctor's clinic, she and her staff are already outside closing up. Fortunately, when my doctor saw me, she decided to go back inside and just give me a prescription. We were not able to do a TVU so she just asked when AF arrived and prescribed me with Clomid + dexamethasone. She also told me to continue with my metformin.

Clomid: Day 4 - 8 (2x/night)
Dexamethasone: Day 4 - 15 (1x/night)
Metformin: 1x/morning + 2x/night

I found out that taking dexamethasone with clomid is not a very popular practice, at least for the girls at the GT Forum. Good thing that when I googled it I found results:

Dexamethasone has been given to PCOS patients and ovulation has been noted via androgen suppression. However, this is not regularly done as steroids have undesireable side-effects.
This combination is not routinely used for the aforementioned reasons, but may help PCOS patients ovulate with Clomid with possible consequences
http://www.fertilityties.com/post/show/how-effective-is-dexamethasone-with-clomid


Hopefully this combination would prove to be effective for me. I'm scheduled to see my OB on Day 12 and I'm crossing all my fingers on this one. =)